you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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