Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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