I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
