first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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