You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We are two peas in an std pod
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
