i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
