Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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