checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
