I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
