Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
