Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
