listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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