Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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