I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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