1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
