I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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