The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
