Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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