I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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