So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
