this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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