Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
