Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
