The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
