My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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