I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
