why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
