my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You ate ashes out of my bong
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
