i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
