Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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