Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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