he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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