Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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