Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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