Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
