i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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