Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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