I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Found your dick twin last night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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