I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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