If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
