There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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