he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
