if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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