Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I faked an abortion last night.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
