At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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