I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
