he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
