Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
