Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
