she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
